Uncertainty

I have no memory of life without uncertainty.

I was six years old when I experienced the first big change in my life. It happened on board the Jayanthijanta, a train that plied the route between Mumbai and Kanyakumari. My parents, grandfather and I were headed to Kerala for Diwali. When I got on board that train, I was certain that I would only get off it when I had reached my destination. I was also certain that I would get off with everyone I got on the train with.

I was six then, but I am absolutely certain that even if I had twenty more years to my credit, I would still have left that train with unsteady steps and buckling knees. My grandfather passed away on that journey. I didn’t see it coming, neither did my parents, and I am pretty sure my grandpa was not anticipating it either.

It wasn’t a dramatic demise. He merely lay down and closed his eyes, waiting for the train to roll into Jolarpettai Junction in Andhra Pradesh, the designated dinner station. He had told my mother he was hungry minutes before he passed away, so I suppose he was thinking about food when he breathed his last. Within the next hour, there was a doctor on board who declared him deceased. “Cardiac arrest,” he had said to my parents and with those two words, I was formally introduced to Uncertainty.

Today, I actually do have the aforesaid twenty years on the six-year-old I used to be. I also have crystal clear recollection of my feelings from that day. My grandfather was my whole world, and while many adults don’t give children enough credit for understanding things, I understood perfectly well what had happened. I knew he was gone and I didn’t feel sad. I felt like Hansel and Gretel might have felt when they were lost in the woods. I felt alone, confused and scared.

The entire experience left me acutely aware of the impermanence of things. I would wake up at night and crawl next to my mother and stick my little fingers under her nose to make sure she was breathing. Sometimes I would just shake her awake to be sure. As I grew older I tried to control everything around me so as to leave nothing to chance. Most of the time it worked, but my mind was constantly filled with dread, with caution; and when things did transpire how I wanted them to, my relief was only momentary before I moved on to trying to control the next thing.

If at this point you’re waiting for me to describe yet another life-altering experience that changed things around yet again, then there really isn’t one.

However, I will admit I was wearing myself down. In my efforts to not feel alone and abandoned in the woods, I was working myself into a whole different dark, thorny jungle of my own, complete with its own set of witches and sham gingerbread houses. I refused to look at the situation in fairness and accept that for all the unexpected downfalls, there were unsuspecting highs.

It was not an epiphany but logic which made me realize the two could never be separated – Life and Uncertainty. The first characterizing feature life acquires once conceived is uncertainty. Once I grasped uncertainty I started to feel vulnerable and through an extension of my vulnerability I started to feel alive.

Once I gathered myself enough to look uncertainty square in the face for what it is, I accepted that even at its worst, it really was not all bad. Understanding the impermanence of things made me cherish what I had. I looked after things I wanted to keep, if they were separated from me I learned to let go and wait for whatever else would fill the gaps. And through it all I grieved and laughed, dreaded and anticipated, lived and let life be.

None of it was easy of course, but I think I’m getting better at it with time

I really do mean it when I said I don’t remember a life wherein there was no uncertainty. I tried controlling it. I tried denying it existed. Until I reached a point when I accepted uncertainty for all the lows and highs that it brought into my life. After all, if you have to live your life with something, wouldn’t you rather look it straight in the eye, embrace it, and smile?